Fabrice Muamba: I'm Still Standing Read online

  “We want him to join the academy. If he trains like he keeps on training then he will have a bright future.”

  I was buzzing so much. We all shook hands and I was just so excited. I tried to keep cool and act all casual but inside I was going mad. Dad was as relaxed as anything but when I got home I sang and danced and shouted in my bedroom. I was an Arsenal player! Ok, maybe not really, but that will change, just you wait.

  After joining the academy, you have the chance to go in whenever you want and Steve offered to do extra work with me whenever I asked for it. I think he probably lived to regret that offer because I basically stalked him. As well as training on a Tuesday and Thursday I would also go in for extra training as often as possible, just turning up after school ready to work hard.

  Not having Rashid with me was difficult because he was my friend but I had to try and forget that and concentrate on my future. Steve is a great man and anyone who has been through Arsenal will know him and will tell you the same. He knew how to work with me and how to get the best out of me. He understood me and helped to push me on. If I stumbled he picked me up, if I got mad he calmed me down.

  I had more power and strength than anyone but technically I wasn’t as sharp as everybody else and both me and Steve knew it. If you want to be the best then you have to train harder than everyone else. It’s really that easy.

  And that hard.

  In the academy the Under-15s trained on a Tuesday and the Under-16s on a Thursday and I got involved with both. Training with the older boys gave you a taste of what football was really like. On Tuesday Steve Bould would take the sessions and on Thursday it would be him and Neil Banfield.

  If you showed hunger and improvement, you also got to turn out for the Under-17s who played on a Saturday. Their games were at London Colney Training Centre rather than at Hale End. If you played there, it meant you got to see the first team close up. That was a big motivation and it opened up the doors to some of the happiest times of my life.

  #####

  Those three or four heartbeats lift everyone’s spirits. None of those surrounding my body are willing to give up quite yet, even though they are still fighting against the odds. They are too in the zone to hear the crowd chanting my name or feel the fear that is starting to whip round the stadium.

  They don’t see or hear Owen’s first footsteps onto the pitch to see for himself that one of his players is in serious trouble.

  They miss his brief chat with referee Howard Webb, who he first asks if he can come across to get a better look; they haven’t got time to consider the crying in the stands, the hugging, the fear and the bewilderment, the open and unashamed praying on and off the field. They’ve got work to do.

  #####

  My first day at London Colney – oh my God! I remember getting a lift from Steve in an Arsenal minibus. He met me near the bus stop near our house and had told me to be there at 8am. I was ready and waiting by 7.15, decked out in my freshly ironed Arsenal tracksuit with my boots. I was so excited I daren’t miss my ride. It seemed to take forever to get there. We had to go past Tottenham Hale, Edmonton, Enfield and the M25 but it was worth the wait. I can still remember when he pulled into the car park – what a place!

  It was a bright, blustery day and Steve told me I would remember it forever. He wasn’t lying. The first team all had their amazing cars on the right-hand side of the car park while we had to go and park around the left-hand side where the reserves were based. We went inside and it was a different experience – a different world. We went upstairs into the first team lounge and I couldn’t believe where I was. I was in awe. I remember thinking ‘This is what it is all about, this is so posh and it’s only the training ground!’

  I just looked around at how crazy it all was. The two sides of the place were divided by a gym in the middle so the first team had their area and the youth team had their own space too. But when you went into the gym all the players mingled together or, if you were me, stood around terrified. I was proper nervous. My heroes were stood there in front of me. Thierry Henry, Sol Campbell, Patrick Vieira – there they all were talking to the youth team and reserve guys. Don’t forget that those players were there every day while I still spent a lot of time at Hale End with the Under-16s, so I didn’t have the confidence to say ‘hi’ to anyone. To me it was unbelievable, I’ll tell you that right now.

  It was so different. At Hale End you had to bring your own kit but at London Colney it was already there ready for you. The first player I spoke to was Sol Campbell in the gym. He said ‘hi’ but I was so in awe of him I couldn’t say anything. I just stood there.

  He finally went “are you in the youth team?” and I said “yes” and that I was from East London. He was from Stratford so we got on and had something to try and talk about, even if I couldn’t really find the words. He walked off and I just thought ‘I know that guy from the TV’. It was all so strange and amazing. It still makes me grin today.

  When the rest of the first team got there, the shyness really kicked in but then Ashley Cole arrived. He made me feel at home straight away. The more I started coming in the more they started saying ‘hi’ and nobody was better at it than Ashley. He had come through the system himself, he knew the pressures and the way you felt when you’re surrounded by superstars and he did his best to make you feel comfortable; always laughing and joking with you and making you more confident. I have never forgotten his kindness towards me or the way he would try and include me in the chatter and the banter that surrounded the place.

  I was still spending most of my time at Hale End but at least once a week I got to go up to London Colney. Bringing young guys into an environment that includes the first team is such an important tactic because it gives you a taste of what could be yours if you work hard enough. I wanted to be there. If you walk past the likes of Thierry and Ashley every day how can that not rub off on you, make you want to improve, to become a hero yourself?

  Every time I entered London Colney it was just so completely different to anything else I knew. The car park had every type of car on it while I was still a schoolboy catching the 158 bus from outside my house before jumping on the train at Blackhorse Road Station to Finsbury Park, changing there for Cockfosters on the Piccadilly Line and then getting another bus to the training ground. Can you imagine what that was like? It was like going from rags to riches in 45 minutes flat. I used to go into school and tell everyone what was happening and they couldn’t believe it. Neither could I.

  At Cockfosters there is a tea shop and we all used to meet there. All of Arsenal’s youth system has been through that tea shop. We used to throw toast and jam down and get ready for another tough training session.

  Those older than me all had nice Armani jeans and Nike trainers and I thought how much I wanted to one day be like them. It gave me so much drive.

  #####

  My dad loves watching me play football and today is no different. He’s at White Hart Lane with my brother Daniel and Alvin.

  Dad never takes his eyes off me when I’m playing. Apart from today that is. As half-time approaches he can’t hang on any longer and he dashes to the toilet.

  Then all of a sudden he can hear the crowd chanting my name. ‘That sounds like a lot of noise from Bolton’s fans,’ he thinks. ‘Has Fabrice scored? I best get back to my seat.’

  He went to the toilet 10 seconds before I collapsed. He has no idea what he is about to witness.

  If you’re going to die anywhere, die on a football pitch – that’s my new motto.

  Apart from a hospital, it is the best place on the planet to be struck down because, as is happening right now, you’re surrounded by experts straight away. I’ll take all the luck I can get and another twist of fate plays out in my favour.

  Andrew Deaner, a 48-year-old who first started watching Spurs 35 years ago, is sitting in the Upper East Stand with his brothers Jeremy and Jonathan. He is no ordinary supporter.

  He also happens to be Dr Deaner, a co
nsultant cardiologist at the London Chest Hospital. The very same place that Peter is planning on sending me to.

  After cycling to the game from his home in Mill Hill, he expected a solid win for his side. The last thing he expected was to see his private and professional worlds collide.

  “I should go down there,” he tells Jeremy. “I could help.”

  Two young stewards block his first attempts to get down to pitch level. Who can blame them? They don’t have a clue who he is. He could be some lunatic trying to snatch a moment of glory.

  But Dr Deaner perseveres and finally gets lucky when he recognises a steward he knows. “Look,” he says. “That is what I do for a living. I need to get on to that pitch.”

  The older, more experienced man ignores the guidelines and agrees. He tries to radio down for permission but cannot get through.

  “Come with me,” he tells the doctor. They race down the stairs and slip through a side door and before Dr Deaner knows it he’s in a passageway near the pitch, coming out opposite the tunnel, heading towards me.

  #####

  Patrick Vieira is my all-time hero. I loved the way he played and the way he dominated on the field. But I didn’t love the way we first met. I’d just finished playing in a game and had done ok. I was going for a dip in the pool when I saw Patrick coming towards me after he’d also been in the pool or jacuzzi following training. That is when the embarrassment started kicking in.

  The thing is, I can kind of do a very good Vieira impression. I can speak like him, walk like him and I also look like him. I know that sounds weird but I just do!

  So, there he is, strolling towards me by the side of the pool and I started panicking – this guy is a legend, my hero to end all heroes – and he shook my hand. All of a sudden someone has stolen my tongue, I couldn’t speak. I coughed out a “hi” before he mentioned that he had heard about me recently. Me? Patrick Vieira had heard about me? What was going on? I didn’t know what to say at all and just stood there as Thierry walked up behind Patrick and went: “Oh, so I see you two twins have finally met?” before walking off laughing. Oh my God, I was so embarrassed!

  There I am, a schoolboy, shaking hands with a Premier League superstar and my favourite ever sportsman while stood half-naked by the edge of a swimming pool as the country’s best striker dishes out the banter. It was all too much to take in. I went home and told dad I had met Vieira and that we had a conversation and the next day there he was playing on the telly. Again it was one of those moments when I thought ‘hmmm, I need to get into this world on a full-time basis.’

  I was surrounded by superstars and World Cup winners. It was just incredible and gave me the extra determination I needed. Skill alone gets you nowhere. You needed the desire too and by now nobody on the planet had more than me.

  The first time I met Arsene Wenger was when I trained with the first team. If you had played consistently well for the Under-17s then you got the chance to step up a level and enter big school. Not many lads get to do it but I had a run of good games and finally got the chance.

  They only trained for about 90 minutes but it was so intense I felt like going to bed afterwards. Arsene had heard that I had been playing well so I couldn’t wait and although I was allowed to get changed with the first team that day, I still went and got changed in the youth team dressing room. I was too scared to go in with all these Premier League legends.

  They all started walking out to the field and I hung back, out of the way, not wanting to get involved too much. When you are young, it’s easy to feel intimidated and nervous. Arsene got us into a huddle and gave us our instructions for the day. We worked on positional awareness and then had a game of five-a-side. I could barely keep up – it was so, so, so fast. The ball was pinging around all over the place. I was playing midfield but really I just wanted to play at the back so I could catch my breath and watch these guys.

  Martin Keown played and he tried to look after me. He never shut up. I kept thinking ‘Martin, stop shouting at me so much!’ but he was a leader and everybody listened. Kolo Toure is a nice bloke and he also helped me out and Ashley was brilliant, as usual. He was always smiling and told me to keep focusing and keep enjoying it. You can’t judge a book by its cover, you have to read it to make a judgement. Well, trust me, I know Ashley Cole and he is a good guy.

  Thierry was unreal on the training ground as well. I noticed that he never tied his boot laces for some reason, while Dennis Bergkamp was just so cool and casual. If you ask any player from that time, he made the game look so simple; he made the hard things look so easy. He also did the easy things better than everyone else too!

  What really surprised me was how competitive they were in training. Boy, these guys were tough on each other. Very, very tough. There was no messing about here, that was for sure. The players would be swearing and flying into tackles. It was a sign of their will to win. The intensity was so high. Pat Rice would run the sessions while Arsene stood back, watching. He let it be known what he wanted us to work on and would then just observe. His presence alone was enough.

  For all this time I was continuing to keep dad happy by trying hard at school. I was so disciplined it was ridiculous. No homework was ever late, no teacher ever had a reason to discipline me and I made huge leaps forward. I was slowly becoming a player.

  Suddenly, it was crunch time. Just before I was due to take my exams, Liam came to Hale End and told all of us in the academy to come in for a meeting and to bring a parent with us.

  This was it.

  We trained and then had a shower before waiting in the corridor, preparing to listen to our fate. Dad turned up in his shirt and tie and sat next to me while I prayed that I would be accepted as a YTS boy. I had worked so hard and had fallen in love with this kind of life. I wanted a scholarship so, so badly.

  Liam finally ushered me in.

  “We’ve been monitoring your son,” he told dad, as my heart pounded. “He works very hard. He’s the kind of person we want to stay around here with us. So we want to give him a YTS and pay him.”

  Wow.

  I felt a burst of absolute joy, but the news didn’t seem to affect dad. I was closing my eyes hoping and praying it would all come good and it had done. But dad stayed ice cool. He gave me his blessing but wanted to keep my feet on the ground.

  All the hard work had paid off. I had been given a chance.

  #6

  Game Of Survival

  FOLLOWING the nod from Arsenal, I had to try and calm down and get my qualifications. The YTS was one thing but that didn’t give me the right to relax or not try my hardest in the classroom too. Arsenal made us work hard and revise for our GCSEs, which was the right thing to do.

  When they got closer I went to my Uncle Paul’s house, who is brilliant at maths, and he would work me into the ground every Sunday. I worked and worked and worked. In fact, I was so disciplined I found maths easy – I still love trigonometry and algebra. I passed my exams with no problems, getting an A* in French and all A-Cs, or so I remember. I never liked science but I managed to get through in one piece.

  Before I knew my exam results I had the full summer ahead of me and I spent it getting myself into amazing condition. Boy, I trained like a lunatic. I was going to be a YTS player so I wanted to do myself justice.

  On top of all the free gear we now received I also picked up £90 a week. Someone was paying me £90 a week – wow! I also got an annual pass for the London Underground, zones 1-6, paid for! I was always getting that out and showing off. This was all so new and amazing. I couldn’t believe I was getting all this money for playing football.

  The first time I got my £360 monthly pay I gave some to my step-mum to help her get something nice for herself. I felt untouchable. £90 a week plus a whopping £6 win bonus. I was a millionaire!

  By the end of July I went in full-time to London Colney and my opening weeks were spent in a tired daze. We all used to meet on the Piccadilly Line train in the carriage behind the driver
. If you want to see Arsenal’s next generation of stars, go and stand in that carriage. It will be full of young lads asleep after being worn out by training.

  When we started, Liam came in and straightened out anyone who thought they had already made it. He let it be known that the hard work started now. This was now my job. He addressed about 13 of us – from both YTS years – and left us under no illusions. Anyone not fulfilling their potential would not last five minutes. It was a good reminder of how far we had to go before we really belonged and could call ourselves footballers.

  Being a YTS brought in loads of little differences. You were given two lockers to look after your personal belongings and in the dressing rooms EVERYTHING was laid out for us. Shirts, shorts, boots, towel – the works. I was so excited.

  At the time, it was still pretty rare for youngsters to be given the chance to break into the first team. The only avenue appeared to be through the Carling Cup. In the year above me Johan Djourou had played in that competition and I was desperate for the same chance.

  Me and Johan clicked straight away. Our lives were full of laughs and we were like brothers. We are still really tight to this day. It’s the same with Quincy Owusu-Abeyie and Justin Hoyte. Justin became my taxi driver when I was a YTS boy because we both came from the same direction so he could pick me up for training. He’d be at my front door nice and early and we’d spend the journey being idiots, just like all boys are at that age. We all got so close and helped each other through. It was a great time in our lives. We went out at night in his car and would all go around thinking we were the coolest boys in London. I saw Quincy recently and he just laughed and said “look at you now” and we burst into tears of laughter.

  As well as these guys there was another guy who was with us at the time. He was crazy. Bendtner. Nicklas Bendtner. He was the character to end all characters. He was so sure of himself and would say: “Fab, you don’t need to tell me I’m good looking, I know I’m good looking” – crazy stuff like that. He was so entertaining and made the YTS experience so much fun.